aboltabol

note to myself

2009-06-17T16:38:00.000+05:30

everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end ...

2009-03-17T00:37:00.001+05:30

Everyone gets scared of their own shadows once in a while.

yet again...

2008-11-09T06:48:00.000+05:30

The voices in my head
The noises in my head
Don’t let me sleep
My head hits the pillow and
They rush in
Jostling for attention
Entangling with each other
Creating a mess
Keeping me awake

reflecting back...

2008-09-08T15:21:00.001+05:30

sometimes others do make the right choice for you...

Lethargy

2008-04-29T13:15:00.002+05:30

For a long time now I wanted to get inside your head.

To see how it works, to figure you out.

But when I got entry I didn’t stay for long.

Not because I didn’t like what was in there.

They were fine enough.

Everything that I wanted was right there.

But not a single thing was where it should be.

And it would have taken such a long time to put them in their place,

To draw a clear picture.

And I was feeling just too lazy.

why i'm still here - chris kornacki

2008-03-26T16:21:00.003+05:30

on sunday

i woke up

& slid from under

your arms

to hit the

8 a.m. sidewalk

with no intention

of ever coming

back

i only turned around

because

i left my cigarettes

next to

the bed

here's thinking of you, kid...

2008-01-18T12:13:00.000+05:30

I have been wanting to do this for a long long time. But was getting stuck at finding the right design. Given that I will have to live with it for the rest of my life, it was kind of important to make sure I won’t wake up one morning n go “what the fck was I thinking”.

Thus I went through hundreds of designs, browsed dozens on sites, ate my friends’ head about helping me, decided one on design only to change my mind the next day. It had to be something which has a deeper meaning for me beyond being aesthetically nice.

Which is why I know I will never regret this one. This tattoo is my way of remembering Toi, my boxer who died last March. It was strange going back home this time. I kept expecting her to coming running and jump all over me when I enter. For the first time in thirteen years I was sleeping on my bed alone and I spent most of it staring at my ceiling.

I miss her so. Thus this design.

But I must say this is kinda addictive. This one haven’t healed yet and I am already trying to find the next design. Any suggestions?

bride

2007-12-24T15:14:00.000+05:30

Goosebumps

2007-10-25T11:15:00.000+05:30

Margaret Atwood...One of my favourite writers... was reading her poems after a long time... the goose bumps that I have started to associate with her writing was there again... she rocks as usual…

You Fit Into Me

You fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

Variations on the Word Sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head.

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside you, and you enter
it as easily as beathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

Variations on the Word Love

This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It's the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.

Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

waiting...

2007-10-23T13:48:00.002+05:30

Everyday she learns a new lesson

Everyday she discovers something new about herself

Sometimes it is a thrill running through her veins

Sometimes it is a punch in her gut

Today she finds herself curled up in a corner

Waiting for the fist to meet her flesh.

stupid guy

2007-09-03T15:53:00.000+05:30

He told her a lie

As a test

Dunno if she passed or failed

But he turned out to be the biggest loser

I am sorry...

2007-08-27T11:42:00.000+05:30

Every time I hear the news I feel guilty

Not because I am not there to help anymore

But because of the missing urge to run in and protect

And try to make every thing all right

The urge that used to come as a reflex action to me

In years of being strong for all of you

intriguing

2007-07-30T15:40:00.000+05:30

cnb: you can rename yourself intriguing

me: :o

cnb: so when someone introduces himself to you and says hi, i'm so and so,

you can say intriguing

and when he says sorry then yes

he - intriguing?

you - yes

he - intriguing?

you - yes?

he - what's intriguing?

you - you mean who is intriguing?

he - yeah who?

you - yes

he - nice to have met you, i didn't get your name?

you - intriguing

he - your name is intriguing?

you - yes

he - well, what is it?

you - intriguing

he - i know it's intriguing but what is it?

you - what is what?

he - your name?

you - intriguing

he - i give up, miss intriguing

you - thats right!

he - shakes head and goes

cnb: so he goes and meets your colleague

he - hey i met this wierd person

he - she only kept saying intriguing, know her?

colleague - intriguing

he - what?

colleague - that was intriguing

he - what you too

colleague - me too what

he - like her

colleague - intriguing?

he - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

wistful

2007-07-03T17:39:00.001+05:30

This morning the city was lost in rain

So I lost myself in the city

chatting...

2007-06-06T18:20:00.000+05:30

He: Hey… something crazy happened to me today.

Me: Ah ha

He: I was taking a nap this afternoon and I had a dream in slow motion.

Me: What! Ha ha ha ha!

He: No! Seriously! I was swimming and the villain was standing on the edge of the pool. I came out of the pool in reverse gravity

Me: what the hell is reverse gravity!

He: shoo… and I started chasing him. All in slow motion. Just when I was about to grab him, the phone rang and I woke up.

Me: Dang!

2007-05-31T17:06:00.000+05:30

you don't get it, do you.
I can't, I simply can't.

I

2007-05-08T12:00:00.000+05:30

I am words.
I am music.
I am butterflies.
I am snow flakes.
I am seeking.
I am lost.
I am missed.
I am memory.
I am black hair.
I am dark eyes.
I am listening.
I am hope.
I am regret.
I am my friends.
I am my beliefs.
I am my will.
I am my limit.
I am contradiction.
I am confusion.
I am my strength.
I am my madness.
I am colour.
I am black and white.
I am shades of grey.
I am rain.
I am the sky.
I am cold hands.
I am hot tears.
I am my laughter.
I am my pain.
I am my dreams.
I am still here.
I am without reason.
I am in love.

2007-04-12T11:26:00.000+05:30

Sometimes hope can be a real bummer
Even when it’s way past time to move on, hope refuses to let go

weakness

2007-04-03T23:23:00.000+05:30

2007-03-19T10:10:00.001+05:30

next time i go back home, i can have the bed all to myself

2007-03-16T18:11:00.000+05:30

I swear he was there. But indeed it was all a dream.

shy

2007-02-19T20:28:00.000+05:30

untouchable - the murmurs

2007-01-31T16:16:00.000+05:30

No one can take the place of you

Nobody in the world touches me like you do

And I know, yes, I know you're untouchable

And I know, yes, I know you're untouchable

No one knows me like you do

Nobody comprehends the pain I'm going through

Except you

But you I know you're untouchable

I accept you're untouchable

You never wanted

What I always needed

And I always needed a door

Trapped in a room full of wonderful colours

You left because you needed more

And we knew from the start we were jumping the gun

I never thought that I'd be the one

Trapped in a room full of wonderful colours

Just me

It's not nearly as bright

I'm afraid of the dark

Its all turning black

I can't see

No one can hurt me like you do

No one will ever know the love I have for you

But they'll know

Yes they'll know you're untouchable

And they'll know

Yes they'll know you're untouchable

You never wanted what I always wanted I always needed a door

Leave me here, I want to be untouchable

I close the door behind you

Now I'm untouchable too

11th Jan, 4:30am, Bombay airport

2007-01-13T13:26:00.000+05:30

Are they looking at me? Have they noticed the bruise? Is the make up caking around my eyes? Revealing the ugly blue & purple underneath?

I can feel their eyes on me. Or maybe it’s just my mind playing tricks. Everyone must be as sleepy as I am at this ungodly hour to notice if other people have black eyes. But then they must be as bored. And looking at other people is the only source of entertainment for most of them.

What if someone asks me what happened? Maybe I will tell them that my abusive husband beat me up and I am running away from him. Might get interesting reactions. Hmmm.

Uh-oh. Now people are really staring at me. Sitting bang in the middle scribbling away furiously. I am trying real hard not to break out in a silly grin. From the corner of my eye I can see the guy sitting in the corner giving me covert looks over the big fat book he is pretending to read. Or the Bengali boudi there trying to point me out to her husband who is too busy gawking at some firang babes waiting for their flight to goa.

Or Austin Powers look-alike guy sitting opposite, staring at me quite steadily and openly. Every time I look up he eyes are right there. Wonder what he will do if I wink at him right now.

And then there is that… ah they are calling for us. Better go get that bus fast if I wanna get a window seat. Got to take some nice photographs. I am flying east just in time for sunrise. I am going home. :)

sweat

2006-12-13T15:23:00.000+05:30

read somewhere once, cant remember where...

2006-12-11T18:52:00.000+05:30

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision."

dream within a dream

2006-11-20T13:15:00.000+05:30

In my dream

You wake me up

Your kisses on the back of my neck

Too scared to roll over

Too scared to see who you are

For fear that you’ll stop

Or disappear completely

subhalakshi roy; 1978-2006

2006-11-01T11:05:00.000+05:30

I remember her sitting by my side daydreaming through the maths class and then begging me to explain the equation to her later.

I remember myself letting her copy from my notes.

I remember her sulking because she thought I was paying more attention to her grandmom.

I remember her laughing at the stupidest of my jokes.

I remember her bright smile when I made her hear a new song.

I remember her singing Rabindrasangeet like the whole world is her audience.

I remember her grandmom asking me to look after her when some of her classmates were bothering her.

I remember myself bullying my juniors for the first time in my life and feeling damn kicked because it made her happy.

I remember us talking about nothing for endless hours.

I remember her eating up my lunch in between classes.

I remember her eyes which revealed the child woman that she was.

What I want to wipe out from my memory is her lips half paralysed telling me “I can’t sing anymore”; Her eyes helpless while I feed her; Angry at the world because it couldn’t help ease her pain, make her well again, because it wasn’t telling her what is happening to her. Only if I knew how to.

Despite the haze of pain clouding my brain, I realise it is better this way. She can rest now.

Goodbye my friend. I love you.

2006-10-23T03:08:00.000+05:30

2006-10-18T16:28:00.000+05:30

You’ll no longer be kissed and kind,

As you long for intuition,

As you have to learn the lesson twice.

You’ll no longer be kissed and kind,

As you long for intuition,

As you have to say the password twice.

Have you ever been all messed up, have you ever?

2006-10-16T15:09:00.000+05:30

This has happened before, a number of times. It had hurt then too. But all those times shadowing over the pain was a sense of happiness. A feeling that things are falling into the right place. So what makes it different this time? Why is the pain so much sharper? Why does it refuse to fade? Why is it increasing each passing moment? What is scaring her is the nagging feeling that this was the final time and but it was wrong, oh so wrong. She could feel it in every nerve of her body. The most painful thing is it is making her doubt the feeling of rightness all those other times, even her own. And that is cutting her most deeply. She didn’t want to stop following her instincts but what else is she to do?

i have got the blues....

2006-09-28T21:09:00.000+05:30

playtime

2006-09-26T12:45:00.000+05:30

2006-09-13T12:20:00.000+05:30

Times: strange

Mind: confused

Calculations: not adding up

Equations: changed

Foothold: lost

Life: disoriented

Resolve: to bounce back

ASAP.

Insomnia

2006-09-04T17:23:00.000+05:30

The insomnia’s hit me again

No one to talk to

Spending hours awake

In a sleeping world

The hours blurring into days

Alone with my tangled mind

Stillborn thoughts

Half-finished conversations

What the hell is wrong with me

addiction

2006-08-21T16:29:00.000+05:30

On my recent visit home I was going through some of my old stuff.... found this in one of my notebooks from my UG days… remembered sitting inside a classroom sultry with may heat and the smoke from Shibajida’s filterless cigarette… don’t remember exactly what we were studying that day… but remember my classmate shifting restlessly besides me… in answer to my questioning but stern look he took my book and wrote this:

Mad,
Have you ever thought about the visuals we encounter, conscious or unconscious in the classroom. As I sit, disliking the pathological practices practiced by the academia on a poem whose poet has been dead for a long time! but I cant do anything about it, I cant change it, cant comment, speculate, spit venom, frustrate over it, I can do nothing. EXCEPT to create something out of this disliking, this intense stabbing pain in my head, to show this, this very moment, the very realization, feelings or insight, whatever one might call it. But, what I am trying to say is, I have got only one purpose, and that is to create something out of THE SITUATION, to show people, no, not even people, just to show that: look, this is this and that is that. And this seems to be the only purpose, the only motivation, only cause, only stimulant, even addiction or kick, I’m living for. If someday, I can find nothing to create out of or show or damn anything, I’d be lost. I’d not kill myself or nothing like that. But I suppose I’d be as passive as a pebble by the highway.
This is the beginning of what I’ve been trying to tell you and make you understand and accept for a long time.
Hope soon will be able to / get the opportunity to tell you the rest.

I don’t think I concentrated on Shibajida or any other classes that day….

I think I will call that friend today and ask him if his addiction is still as consuming as it was then…

Waiting Room

2006-08-16T13:05:00.001+05:30

With listless eyes the receptionist works

And I am alone in a waiting room

For the first time in years

I’m thinking of the past

Feeling so helpless

Just waiting

The moment i walked into the doctor's clinic i saw him... sitting in one far corner of the huge waiting room... hunched over... lost in his head somewhere... and i wanted to peep inside...

Waking dream

2006-07-31T14:00:00.000+05:30

Unable to sleep

My thoughts shift restlessly

Like a wall of rain

Seeking shelter from the darkness

I close my eyes

And dream

Of waiting for you

But I know

You are already gone

GOODBYE TO YOU TOO

2006-07-26T20:09:00.000+05:30

Goodbye. I don't want you. I don't need you. Or anyone. I am happy here in my world. With the demons I invited in. They keep me warm. Atleast they don't hurt me anymore. Like I know you will. Like everyone before you did. Why should you be any different? It's me. Always me. That's the only kind of reaction I can provoke. It's beyond your control. You thought you could save me from myself. But did you ever ask me if I want to be saved. It's a web I have spun myself. And I have made peace with it. You can stop trying to rescue me. Just walk away.

GOODBYE

2006-07-14T16:26:00.000+05:30

Does it really matter what I do or say. You have already made up your mind, haven’t you? And you are not going to change your mind. No matter what I do. The verdict has been passed even before I got a chance to make my case. You have your own logic at looking at things that no one else is privy to. Everything I do or say is going to be twisted. And bent into what you think I am doing or saying. You see the world with your own tinted glass. Tinted with red of rage and green of jealousy and sometimes dark blue of melancholy. And you have been wearing that glass for so long. Now it has become part of you. It has become you. You can’t take it off even if you wanted to. But then again that’s the way you want it to remain. So what’s the point of my staying. What’s the point of my trying to make you understand. Trying to tell you my side of the story. I am leaving your world, your demons. Will I look back? Will we ever cross path again? I don’t care anymore.

alone together

2006-07-12T16:25:00.000+05:30

"I love your eyelashes" D said
And ran his finger over them
He stared at her face until T opened her eyes
To look straight into M
M smiled
Just the lift of one corner of his mouth
His secret smile for her
Her accomplice, her lover, her love
She smiled back
D gave a small laugh and looked away
Who was he trying to kid
He smiled at R sitting across the table
And acknowledged his "I told you so" look
And together they went back to watching people
Running about in the bustling station
And tried their best to ignore
the lovers melting between them

all the best kiddo

2006-07-06T12:48:00.000+05:30

I wanted to ask her to run
Run as fast as she can
And not look back
NOW
Because this might be her only chance

She says she knows what she is doing
Says she has got a plan
I hope she also has a Plan B
Cause I have this sneaky feeling
That Plan A is never gonna get executed

Why this strong urge to protect her all of a sudden
I mean I have know her quite some time
Liked her instantly
And knew left to ourselves there won’t be any dearth of conversation
But we were never close
Never made any effort to take it further

So what really brought us together today
Sisters in crisis
While I am almost at the end of mine, hers have just started
Is this uncanny similarity in our situations that drew me to her
I want to protect her from all the hurt
Make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes that I made
This feeling of déjà vu is scary

But something makes me stop and think
Am I doing the right thing
The situations might be similar
But they are not the same
The protagonists are different
The context is different
What if what was a mistake for me
Turns out to be the best thing that could possibly happen to her
Or maybe she needs to make those mistakes
And take away her own learnings from them
The truth is different for each of us, isn’t it

Maybe I should just back off and wait in the wings
Alert
Ready to prompt her if she forgets her lines
But always hoping that she sails through it all
And gets called back for curtain calls

23rd june, friday

2006-06-24T01:01:00.000+05:30

11.15pm, Hill Road, Bandra
old man sitting in the middle of the road. stark naked, covered with his own shit. people driving their cars around him and pretending he is invisible. for a split second the idea of getting down form the rick and helping him crosses my mind. then I look away. close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

11.30pm, Carter Road, Bandra:
rick breaks down. driver tries to fix it . gives up. he is from malad and doesn't know how to get it fixed here. I wait 15mins while he calls his mechanic, his friend and his home from my phone. nobody agrees to come and rescue him. two guys standing behind us starts passing lewd remarks. he tries to beat them up. stop him. he tries to return the fare money. stop him. he gets me another rickshaw. come home without any further adventure.

I need some sleep.

baggage

2006-06-14T02:36:00.000+05:30

Things happened. Bad things. Most of the time you didn’t have any control over them. Yes, when look back today you think : I should have done this and shouldn’t have done that. But then hindsight is always 20-20, isn’t it?

So what do you do about these incidents? Forget them, hang on to them or learn from them and move on?

I know they are bad things. They shouldn’t have happened in the first place. They were unfair, scary, traumatizing. They hurt you so much. But they did happen, right! Life doesn’t have ‘control+Z’ button and that can’t be changed now. Can’t you just forget them? I know that’s not easy. And maybe you should not forget them. Maybe that way you will make sure they don’t happen again.

Or do you just hang onto it? Live with the fear that these bad things are going to happen to you any moment all over again? That there is someone out there out to get you? Do you just live with that fear every moment of the rest of your life?

How long can you go on like that? How many bad memories can you afford to keep on the top of your mind till they colour the good ones too. Till they spread to people around you. People who love you. People who care. Till they also start living with those demons in their heads. They tip toe around you, afraid to talk too loudly in case that sets off one of those demons. Whenever they do anything around you they are half expecting you to say: “oh please never never do that. I can’t handle it. Something happened to me once….”

Baby,I know. they really did happen. And it still hurts. Hug hug hug.

But isn’t it time to try to let go and move on baby. Isn’t it time to stop running and face life.

bliss

2006-06-08T19:48:00.000+05:30

the only thing that stopped me from jumping in was my camera :)

2006-05-27T13:57:00.000+05:30

wanted to enter this one for a competetion but the focus is a bit soft, so not sure.
but I love this photograph, so thought I will show it off :D

blue is the colour of hope

2006-05-23T22:32:00.000+05:30

Dishe hara je mor mon
Kishe sharthok ei jibon
Khuje phiri kothae nebo thai
Charidike sobai mor
Keu bhalo keu mando ghor
Apon maan jeche setha berai
Mone bhabna tabu ghire royeche sodai
Ato chawa niye kothae jai
Keu ba mathae keu pithe
Amar bolae hath mithe
Diye jae kato na bahobai
Karo sandeho oti
Sheshe holo ei goti
Galo ki biphale jibontai
Mone bhabna tabu ghire royeche sodai
Ato chawa niye kothae jai
Pagol hoye je ami
Dami hoi aro dami
Kato daam jani na amar chai
Nebe ke kine amae
Tate kiba ashe jae
Theme jete bharosha na pai
Mone bhabna tabu ghire royeche sodai
Ato chawa niye kothae jai
Chhilo bandhu ak amar
Pelem hathat dekha tar
Bhaboghure chalachulo nai
Tabu khushir hasi besh
Thote hae na je tar sesh
Ki tar daam she kare ni jachai
Mone bhabna tabu ghire royeche sodai
Ato chawa niye kothae jai
Shono jodi konodin
Ami hathat bhabnahin
Rakhini kothao mor thikanai
Jeno khoja je amar sesh
Tai holam niruddesh
Sathe kore sudhu hridoitai
Mone bhabna tabu ghire royeche sodai
Ato chawa niye kothae jai

I remember the first time I heard this song… open ground at Presidency College… it was quite late… I was discussing with my friends the pros n cons of staying back a bit longer…no bus… very late… dad will scream… no one is going that way… then she started singing… we just stood there… spellbound… I felt like a fist has slammed into my stomach… tears flowed down my face… I couldn’t stop… I didn’t want to…since then every time I hear this song I cry… this is my song… this is me… waiting for the day when I will disappear in unknown world to take my dreams to a place they haven’t seen…

Today I sit here with this song playing in a loop… again n again n again… I try to put together all the emotions that confronted me today… trying to put down all the words that jostled inside my head the whole day… but they refuse to come out… they refuse to take any form…they slide past my fingers and run up my arm…. as if they want to eat into my flesh and slowly turn my bones into dust…

The blue funk is spreading… everywhere… swallowing everyone… I settle down in a shroud of dull numbness … somewhere a voice says “be warned: numbness can be addictive”… but it bounces off the wall around me… unheard…

Maybe sleep will help… but as Death told me: sleep is a little indifferent… pillow is always wet with thoughts, and some new tears…. so the head doesn’t rest properly….

2006-05-21T15:34:00.000+05:30

words... they hurt.... even if they were not meant to be....

2006-05-10T20:09:00.000+05:30

Last Friday P was in Andheri area and we decided to meet up. It was too hot to stay indoors and we were both too broke to waste 60 bucks on weak coffee in fancy cups (we were saving it for beer to be consumed later that evening :p ). So we decided to go to Juhu Chowpatty.

So there we were at Chowpatty on a Friday evening. We and what seemed like half the population of Bombay. It was downright scary. Gingerly we went in and started to walk along the water doing our best not to bump into people swarming 6 inches from us, both cursing ourselves under our breath.

But surprisingly that state of mind lasted for all of 4min. by that time we were totally taken in by the whole energy of the place. The beach was abuzz with life. There were this gas balloons which were shaped like monkeys dotting the whole skyline. Hawkers bugging you to buy everything under the sun. People completely ignoring the filth in the beach and enjoying a swim in the sea. One little girl lost in her own world.

We spent the next two hours there. Finally finding one little spot clean enough to balanced our butts on, nibbling on yummy sweet corn and watching people. I can do that for hours. Just observe people. How they interact with each other, how they behave when they think nobody is watching them. How they were sometimes acting like they were the only one in that beach instead of being one of thousand others like him.

It was amazing. I want to do it again.

canceled ticket

2006-04-18T22:19:00.000+05:30

you finally make the decision after deliberating for more than a year... a decision that is going to change your immediate life... a decision which was very very difficult to reach... then you find out that this was actually the easy part... now executing that decision is much much more difficult.... you can just go and do it... but that will leave such a bad taste in your mouth ...you dont want to do it that way... so you will have to wait... wait for the things to fall in place... all you can do is to see to it that everything goes that way... you dont want to rush ... you dont want to spoil things in the process... then you start to see things working out... first one... then another... and another... you are kinda excited... and scared... you can see the next chapter of your life staring at you... and you get those last minute pangs about whether you are ready for it or not ...then it happens... everything starts falling apart... all together...before you realise what is happening it is gone... so now you are again busy rewriting this chapter yet another time... next chapter has to wait for some more time...

some more pics from that day...

2006-04-09T17:05:00.000+05:30

and the result...

2006-04-05T23:09:00.000+05:30

every bone in my body is hurting and some muscles i didnt even know existed.... it was one the the toughest shooting schedules i have been to.... we had to finish 7 stories in one day.... but it was also one of the most satisfying shoots ever... i am moaning and groaning but cant stop grinning... didnt get time to take too many stills... posting just 1 pic now... too tired tonight... rest coming up...

anticipation

2006-04-04T17:20:00.000+05:30

i am really really looking forwad to tomorrow's shoot... i havnt been this excited about shoot for a long time... and i love shooting ... the camera gives me a high like nothing else....

one reason is that i wanted to be part of this project from the start.... but couldnt cause the whole thing is in Marathi... starting from the interviews of people... now i know all of ten words in marathi... so... but now we need to shoot the docudrama.... no need to know any language... yippeee yippeee yea yea...

but i am more excited because this is not going to be like our normal shoot.... its not about utilitarian shots where we need to show something... or those shots that evoke emotion...here each shot needs to be wow... the frame the colours the lighting needs to tell all... they have to be stark... a stillness in each shot that will slam into the viewer... wowie... am itching to start...

and the location... those old houses at vasai villages are beautiful... the walls... wooden staicases... the swings... the tiled roofs... the full length windows... each has a story to tell.... i hope i get some time to take stills...

thats the only bummer... we will be in such a tight scedule trying to fit in 2 days of shooting into one... but if we can just juggle the time... boy oh boy... we will have a sure shot winner in our hand....

so i better get back to work now and make sure everything is ready for things to go smoothly tomorrow...

ciao...

p.s.: am a liitle bit nervous too :p

2006-03-24T02:19:00.001+05:30

after the hectic schedule of the last few months just sitting at bandstand and enjoying the sunset was pure bliss.....

Being Mother Hen

2006-03-24T02:01:00.000+05:30

I am the mother hen. I am the person who gets this urge to take care of people I care about. It has been like this from my school days. Even then people felt comfortable confiding in me, taking my advice (not that they followed them all the time) or just using me as their emotional dumping ground. Even the parents of my friends and classmates felt the same. They used to depend on me to take care of their wards and feel at ease if I was there with them whatever they were doing. Why? I was the same age as them! Is it because I was bigger in size or more street-smart? Or am I supposed to feel good about myself thinking it was because I was more mature than my contemporaries? Some of them definitely yes but definitely not all. Then why? Of course I used to bask in glory of my superior status. But was it easy? Taking on others problems (most of the time I really cared) and acting as their crutch at times? I had lots of friends all my life. Friends who really cared about me and respected me for who I am (though every now and then I used to really shock them with my actions). Then why did I feel so lonely the last two years of school? I was definitely not alone. Then I went to university and all was well again. But to get back to what I was saying is I am the proverbial mother hen (actually to think of it with the bird flu in the air maybe that is not such a great comparison… lol). I adopt children left and right and make their concerns mine. Mind you, I am not the overbearing mother who dictates her children but someone who is always there when the they need me or just a sounding board. But sometimes it gets too intense and I feel like I need to let go. And there lies the main problem. I just can’t seem to let go. Why? Is it because being this mother hen is not so much for their benefit but for mine? That I need the gratification that comes from the feeling of being needed? Is it totally one sided? Why cant I use most of them as my sounding board? It is not as if they are not wiling. What is this urge in me to be the strong one? I know sometimes I just get tired of being strong. A friend told me “you can’t always think about others, you matter too.” But isn’t that exactly why I want to be the mother hen. Because then I not only matter to myself but for all these people too. So is being strong for others my weakness? Am I basically just a self centered gal pretending to care for my own gratification? Shame on you Titin!!

But I really do care about these people! So is it really wrong to get some pleasure out of it?