dream within a dream

In my dream

You wake me up

Your kisses on the back of my neck

Too scared to roll over

Too scared to see who you are

For fear that you’ll stop

Or disappear completely

subhalakshi roy; 1978-2006

I remember her sitting by my side daydreaming through the maths class and then begging me to explain the equation to her later.

I remember myself letting her copy from my notes.

I remember her sulking because she thought I was paying more attention to her grandmom.

I remember her laughing at the stupidest of my jokes.

I remember her bright smile when I made her hear a new song.

I remember her singing Rabindrasangeet like the whole world is her audience.

I remember her grandmom asking me to look after her when some of her classmates were bothering her.

I remember myself bullying my juniors for the first time in my life and feeling damn kicked because it made her happy.

I remember us talking about nothing for endless hours.

I remember her eating up my lunch in between classes.

I remember her eyes which revealed the child woman that she was.

What I want to wipe out from my memory is her lips half paralysed telling me “I can’t sing anymore”; Her eyes helpless while I feed her; Angry at the world because it couldn’t help ease her pain, make her well again, because it wasn’t telling her what is happening to her. Only if I knew how to.

Despite the haze of pain clouding my brain, I realise it is better this way. She can rest now.

Goodbye my friend. I love you.